From the purchase of our house in the spring of 2010 until ... well, until about now ... my life has been all about babies. And I've loved it. Pregnancy was hard on me, but the babies?
So sweet. The snuggling, nursing, profound connection to another human being. I could never get enough of that; my babies were a love-filled addiction. I wished I could play every moment in slo-mo, record it for posterity so that in the future I could savor the sweetness. But of course, no amount of video footage can fully capture the magic. And the babies grow and change, celebrating every milestone with unfettered glee. One of my challenges in the past year has been to mentally and emotionally celebrate their milestones with them. I realized I was stuck in Bittersweet Land, where I simultaneously cheered for them and bemoaned how fast they are growing. Somewhere in the midst of all our potty training struggles with Victoria, I wondered if she was intuiting Mommy's sadness and subconsciously holding back from a very big-girl step.
Around this time, Alex was turning 1 and starting to walk. And I read
this article. Oh, WOW, Ms. Bessey hit it on the head.
THE ACHE.
Yes, this:
"The experience of pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding my babies profoundly changed me AND it changed my view of God entirely."
And this:
"When I think about not breastfeeding – one of the most real things I’ve ever done with this body – ever again, I catch my breath with longing."
Just reading
this made me cry:
"Always The Ache, right underneath my lungs, in the pit of my gut, the
ache of what that means and the grief of moving on, of love, of knowing:
No more babies. No more nursing quietly in the night. No more flour
sack of milk-drunk baby bliss. No more gummy smiles. No more tiny
diapers. No more baby clothes. No more crib. No more baby wearing. No
more new baby smell. No more of the millions of moments that knit your
heart so completely to another small soul." *sob*
Yes. THAT was the reason for my bittersweet-ness, for my anxiety over my babies growing. I understand how moms go on to have three, four, more babies. Part of me wanted another, too. In fact, I'll share a secret I haven't told before: I could feel a little soul out there in the universe waiting for me. A female child, wanting to connect with me. I could feel her in the same way that I could feel Alex reaching out for me before I got pregnant with him.
And yet, I stand by our decision to only have two. I know it was the right decision. I had to deal with The Ache for awhile. Then, I decided to move forward, leave Bittersweet Land, embrace my growing children, celebrate them
where they are now instead of holding on to the past, and see what was on the other side of Babyville.
I've spent the last few months exploring my own thoughts and dreams anew. I've been peeling off societal expectations, taking ownership of who I am and how I want to live in this world. I am working on accepting and embracing the ways our family is different than others. The process of reading, researching, soul searching, discussing, sharing ... has been incredibly mind-blowing, energizing, even
freeing! Strangely enough, I have my Facebook world to thank for much of this. I have a handful of friends who are continually sharing quotes, articles, and stories that seemed to be exactly what I needed at any given moment. Friends who are living their own truth and inspired me to authentically seek for mine.
It's impossible to capture all this growth and change in one blog post (and a lot of it is still internal and not necessarily seen from the outside) ... but I'll share a few thoughts about where I am and directions I want to go. First, I've deepened my relationship with Matt. As everyone says, babies are
HARD on a relationship. I honestly didn't realize how hard it was, when we were in the thick of pregnancy misery and nighttime feedings. Matt and I make a great parenting team, and I think we make good decisions together, so we worked side by side fairly contentedly. And then, all of a sudden, there was one day back in January or so where I felt the baby fog completely lift and it was like I was really looking at my husband again and feeling reconnected as a couple and not just as parents. It is so easy to fall back on unrealistic expectations, to fall into a pattern of living, to fit a "normal" mold, to take your spouse for granted. It has been refreshing to break away, at least mentally, from the mold a little, to see my husband as he is and think about how I can love him for who he is, what activities we can enjoy together, and how to support him on his own path. I still have a long ways to go here, but I feel I have shifted my perspective enough to make a good start. (And, this will be easier once Matt's broken ankle heals and he truly has the energy and ability to pursue more interests.)
Matt and I have had some awesome, long discussions, and have realized we both have aspects of our lives we feel is missing. The earth shifted under me just a little bit when I realized how important it was that Matt and I don't need to pretend everything is perfect. We love each other, we love our family ... but we also are individuals with our own interests. Neither of us can fulfill all of each other's needs, and our lives cannot
completely revolve around the kids. (The fact that we can talk about all of this and not get defensive or upset just goes to show how awesome my husband is.) Speaking for myself, I am craving a social life. This is probably partially because I haven't had one for the past few years, and partially because it was such a long, awful winter where I felt shut inside all the time. The kids are a little older and it's easier for me to leave. I am craving adult energy, and want to explore what Duluth has to offer. I want to build new relationships with people. When we moved up here, we didn't have time to get to know many people before we had kids. That was totally cool at the time, and I purposefully turned down many activities to be with the kids. And of course, I still want plenty of quality time with my precious kiddos. But at the same time, I am feeling an almost spiritual need in my core to
connect with others. I am making a commitment to reach out to people, to explore, and to seek fun and relaxation. This past week I hit up a couple Homegrown shows in Duluth. Homegrown is a local music festival, and it felt so great not only to be going out, but also to experience the Duluth music scene. I think hearing more local music is going to be part of my adventures this year for sure.
One of the places I have felt grounded and connected lately is at my church ... and this is something I never thought I would say. I have found a joyous, open community where I feel like everyone is truly accepted. A community that fosters spiritual growth, but also asks challenging questions and doesn't accept the status quo. I don't go every week, but have found that it has been a source of inspiration and truth for me. I will paraphrase Duluth's mayor Don Ness, who a few weeks posted on facebook something to this effect: I don't go to church for answers; I go to church for challenging questions. I am so thankful too that our kids can grow up within this church community, where questions are encouraged, everyone is honored, and faith takes many forms.
A few other things I know right now ... I have always wanted a tattoo or two that reflect who I am (and couldn't do that while pregnant/breastfeeding) ... so yep, now I am making that happen. There is more to life than laundry or a perfect yard, so I will be much more careful about how I spend my time. There will be more time around a campfire, more time by Lake Superior, more laughter and love. More wine, more beer, some gin and tonics (sorry for sounding like an alcoholic, but I did miss drinking the last few years!). The best part is, I finally feel like I have enough energy to make all this happen and to build the life I truly want.
Life is so short, and I want to know I have lived the fullest life I can. I am enjoying this new journey of self exploration, looking forward to sharing it with friends and companions, honored to have Matt by my side, and open to whatever the future holds.
