I am sitting here writing this as the sun sets, and a thick mist forms over our river. It’s quite the sight out our living room window -- one narrow ribbon of fog, nature’s way of decorating this part of the woods. Matt left the house a while ago, and although he didn’t tell me what he was doing, I imagine the ribbon caught his eye as well, and that he would have brought his camera out with him. Of course, I also see Venus shining brightly overhead, so maybe it was the skies that caught his attention tonight.
The juxtaposition of dense fog and clear skies is a perfect reflection of my mood tonight: balanced.
Balance is elusive for most of us. A busy world, so many dreams, so many possibilities. We want it all. My twenties were devoted to this pursuit … trying to lay all the important career steps in place, trying to find the perfect guy, trying to figure out what I wanted from life. Surprisingly, after just a few wrong turns and many years of doubt, it all came together. I remember the epiphany in the summer of 2010. I was walking out to the parking lot after work when I paused, looked up at the green hills above Duluth, and like a bolt of lightning (!!) thought … I might really have it all. I was halfway into my pregnancy. A great husband, two fabulous dogs, a job I loved, an almost-dream house in the woods near family and nature. There is nothing else I would have added to that list.
Ironically, just when everything fell into place was when balance became more precarious. I wouldn’t find this out until after I became a mom. I thought I would have a hard time when I went back to work, but it wasn’t actually until I stopped breastfeeding that the anxiety crept in. While I was still pumping at work, I felt that connection to my daughter; I was still a mom even while at the office. And when I stopped, both body and mind freaked out. Spiraling hormones gave me panic attacks, headaches, heart palpitations, dizziness. But worse than that, there was the guilt. I managed to feel guilty about anything and everything. Not spending enough time with my daughter. Not cramming enough “quality” into the time we did spend together. The dogs had gotten used to walks and play time and doggie massages every day, and now they were lucky if they got one of the three. Having been a reliable employee, I struggled with the time spent away from work for doctor’s appointments. I used to put 100% into everything I did, and all of a sudden every area of my life was getting far less than that.
It took a few months and a lot of emotional work to balance it all out. I realized that even if the dogs no longer get 100% of my attention, they are still a) very happy b) very spoiled compared to most other dogs on the planet. Victoria too is such a happy girl and loves her day care so much. Matt wasn’t complaining, and in fact seemed happy that even as a dad and husband he could still pursue photography and bike racing interests. And a wise therapist made me realize it’s ok to not give 100% at work. This one was probably the hardest for me, historically a perfectionist. In one of our sessions, she told me, point-blank, “That’s what happens when you become a mom. Your kid is sick? You stay home. You’re exhausted from being up in the middle of the night? Then you just can’t work as fast on that project the next day. You have to realize that you have only so many units of energy in a given day. And you use up more of them for things outside of work than you used to. Even though you spend the same number of hours at work, it is natural for it to receive less of your energy.”
I could go on and on about how our society is structured against working moms, against families in general actually. I could brainstorm a million ideas about how I would change things. But of course complaining and brainstorming doesn’t get me very far.
So, instead I focused on things I could do… One thing I am really thankful for is a very liberal sick leave policy. The most liberal I’ve ever heard of, actually. So no matter what sort of health stuff our family needs to deal with, I can get the time off of work. I’ve changed my method of when to take vacation time; instead of saving it all for a big trip, I’ve been sprinkling days throughout the year so I can have more time with V on a regular basis (last fall we took several long-weekend “staycations”). When I realized that one of the only things I truly felt I was missing out on was taking some sort of class with V (like I always imagined a stay at home mom would) and socializing with her in a bigger group, I managed to find a wonderful kindermusik class that only required me to put in a “flex time” request to leave work 15 minutes early one day a week. I’ve limited social outings that don’t involve family, and started to focus on what is really important.
And lately, I’m starting to feel pretty balanced again. I do an ok job at work. My whole family is happy. I get enough (sometimes barely enough) time with my family. I’ve even started to get enough “me” time to read books and play in the garden. Life is feeling pretty good.
Today I was supposed to go to a meeting for an organization I have been volunteering with for two years. I really love this organization and believe in its mission 100%. When I leave the meetings I feel energized and excited about the work they are doing. However, before the meetings I feel like I don’t want to go because it’s an evening I miss out on “V time.” Tonight, for some reason, this pull was even stronger, and I didn’t go to the meeting. After talking with Matt about my recurring reluctance, and thinking about how new work changes will require more evening meetings, I am considering quitting this volunteer position. While it’s hard to even consider, I also recognize that I can always pick up volunteering again in the future. The interesting thing about balance is that it is always in a state of flux. What equals balance today might not bring me balance tomorrow. No wonder balance it's so elusive.
