Sunday, October 29, 2006
Adding a New Last Name
As a child, I always admired women who kept their last names. I loved it when I met a couple who both had hyphenated last names and, later, when the guy took his wife’s last name. Studying women’s studies in college, I wrestled with ideas of self, history, and identity and how they are associated with some of the patriarchal notions of marriage.
It was a no-brainer for me. I was not interested in changing my last name. I was so against the idea that when friends got married and took their husbands’ last names I’d keep them filed in my address book under their maiden name for a long time as my own form of silent protest.
Well, never say never.
I met my fiance 3 years ago. It probably wasn’t love at first sight, but it was love by the third date. There were so many reasons I fell in love, and one of them was because we had similarities in our backgrounds, interests, and values that made us both feel like the other one fit perfectly into our life, like a missing puzzle piece. Cliche, but true. In his previous relationships he felt girlfriends wanted elements of him to change, so from the start he told me that we should be comfortable to be completely ourselves in the relationship. I agreed and, moreover, we took it heart. We spent weekends together whether we were crabby or elated, whether dressed up or in sweats around the house.
When he told me that he would want his wife to take his last name, I shocked myself by not being vehemently opposed. I thought about it, and learned that since I felt so completely myself in the relationship, changing a name wouldn’t make me feel like I was giving up any part of myself. This was the only time I’d ever felt that way about a relationship, and it was a good feeling. Still, I was hesitant, but I had time to figure it out.
Fast forward a little while. We live together, are still completely in love, and share this wonderful complexity of a shared life with individual dreams and goals. For my part, I have embarked on a full-time graduate program, among other things. And now, we are engaged.
The other night I was talking with a friend. She has been struggling with numerous changes in her life, and told me, “Nothing feels the same. There’s nothing stable in my life,” and went on to discuss her changes in jobs, a new relationship, how some people have disappeared out of her life and hobbies and activities have, for various reasons, disappeared as well.
I can sympathize. Recently I’ve moved several times. Starting a graduate program has meant quitting a job and giving up other activities to make time for studying. I’m happy with my decisions, but some days it can be hard to cope with the fact that pursuing my goals means that my life now is nothing like it was two years ago. I’m much busier, and the balancing act with school, part-time jobs, friends, and family is insanely tough. Yet at the end of the day I come home to an amazing guy, and walking through the door takes some of that stress off my shoulders. He is supportive, helps me prioritize, and knows how to make me laugh and relax. I told this to my friend, and there was my epiphany: he is my stable force; I couldn’t do what I do without his presence in my life. So, not only is he the first person who I feel completely myself with, but because of the love we share, because of the things we do together and who we are in each other’s lives, I actually feel more myself. With our relationship, and the way it is centered in a circle of family and friends, grounding me, it’s impossible for me to get so busy or change so much that I forget who I am.
Then and there, I had made my decision. What a change from my college days, when I was worried that marrying someone would threaten my sense of identity. I still believe that some women are too quick to give up parts of themselves when they marry, and that a name change can be a symbol of that tragedy, but for me adding his name is a testament to the way our relationship meshes with who I am—not who I should be or who I wish I was, but with my true self.
It was a no-brainer for me. I was not interested in changing my last name. I was so against the idea that when friends got married and took their husbands’ last names I’d keep them filed in my address book under their maiden name for a long time as my own form of silent protest.
Well, never say never.
I met my fiance 3 years ago. It probably wasn’t love at first sight, but it was love by the third date. There were so many reasons I fell in love, and one of them was because we had similarities in our backgrounds, interests, and values that made us both feel like the other one fit perfectly into our life, like a missing puzzle piece. Cliche, but true. In his previous relationships he felt girlfriends wanted elements of him to change, so from the start he told me that we should be comfortable to be completely ourselves in the relationship. I agreed and, moreover, we took it heart. We spent weekends together whether we were crabby or elated, whether dressed up or in sweats around the house.
When he told me that he would want his wife to take his last name, I shocked myself by not being vehemently opposed. I thought about it, and learned that since I felt so completely myself in the relationship, changing a name wouldn’t make me feel like I was giving up any part of myself. This was the only time I’d ever felt that way about a relationship, and it was a good feeling. Still, I was hesitant, but I had time to figure it out.
Fast forward a little while. We live together, are still completely in love, and share this wonderful complexity of a shared life with individual dreams and goals. For my part, I have embarked on a full-time graduate program, among other things. And now, we are engaged.
The other night I was talking with a friend. She has been struggling with numerous changes in her life, and told me, “Nothing feels the same. There’s nothing stable in my life,” and went on to discuss her changes in jobs, a new relationship, how some people have disappeared out of her life and hobbies and activities have, for various reasons, disappeared as well.
I can sympathize. Recently I’ve moved several times. Starting a graduate program has meant quitting a job and giving up other activities to make time for studying. I’m happy with my decisions, but some days it can be hard to cope with the fact that pursuing my goals means that my life now is nothing like it was two years ago. I’m much busier, and the balancing act with school, part-time jobs, friends, and family is insanely tough. Yet at the end of the day I come home to an amazing guy, and walking through the door takes some of that stress off my shoulders. He is supportive, helps me prioritize, and knows how to make me laugh and relax. I told this to my friend, and there was my epiphany: he is my stable force; I couldn’t do what I do without his presence in my life. So, not only is he the first person who I feel completely myself with, but because of the love we share, because of the things we do together and who we are in each other’s lives, I actually feel more myself. With our relationship, and the way it is centered in a circle of family and friends, grounding me, it’s impossible for me to get so busy or change so much that I forget who I am.
Then and there, I had made my decision. What a change from my college days, when I was worried that marrying someone would threaten my sense of identity. I still believe that some women are too quick to give up parts of themselves when they marry, and that a name change can be a symbol of that tragedy, but for me adding his name is a testament to the way our relationship meshes with who I am—not who I should be or who I wish I was, but with my true self.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Wedding News
Wow. I'm surprised at the number of people who don't hate wedding talk! I've been trying to not always talk wedding stuff, but in fact I've even had friends who are so interested in the wedding planning they've said I should create a weekly newsletter to keep them all informed (well that's taking it a step TOO far!).
But, wedding planning is going great. So far, I've learned that catering is about double the price I would've expected - HOW can food be so expensive? I mean, we could take everyone out to a restaurant and have it be cheaper. We met with one caterer who was very nice and extremely flexible with us, so that's a good start. I've also started to look at cake designs, wedding dresses, basically any internet research I can think of (it's a nice break from studying, really).
For those who haven't heard it, we are getting married at Gale Woods Farm. I'm so ecstatic about the site I can't wait!
The studio Matt has been working for has 3 lead photographers, all of whom have said they'd love to photograph our wedding! I don't know how we'll ever choose between them! Especially when Matt's worked with, and likes, all of them.
Probably the easiest decision so far was having the Cloquet Greenhouse do our flowers. My mom has worked there for several years, and I feel like I can get something I know I'll like, PLUS they've offered to drive the two and a half hours to deliver them for me! That's amazing. One of our flowers will be Leonardis roses. Matt always gave me roses while we were dating, and this variety is perfect for a fall wedding.
We went to a party last night, a surprise 30th birthday party, for our friend Wendi. It was a lot of fun, people I haven't seen in awhile, great food, drinks. I don't know Wendi's friends super well (I know her because her husband Mike is Matt's best friend), but somehow word had spread about our engagement. But I certainly wasn't alone! Two other girls at the party just got engaged too!! One of them, Katie, also got engaged 2 weeks ago. Is there something in the air??
But, wedding planning is going great. So far, I've learned that catering is about double the price I would've expected - HOW can food be so expensive? I mean, we could take everyone out to a restaurant and have it be cheaper. We met with one caterer who was very nice and extremely flexible with us, so that's a good start. I've also started to look at cake designs, wedding dresses, basically any internet research I can think of (it's a nice break from studying, really).
For those who haven't heard it, we are getting married at Gale Woods Farm. I'm so ecstatic about the site I can't wait!
The studio Matt has been working for has 3 lead photographers, all of whom have said they'd love to photograph our wedding! I don't know how we'll ever choose between them! Especially when Matt's worked with, and likes, all of them.
Probably the easiest decision so far was having the Cloquet Greenhouse do our flowers. My mom has worked there for several years, and I feel like I can get something I know I'll like, PLUS they've offered to drive the two and a half hours to deliver them for me! That's amazing. One of our flowers will be Leonardis roses. Matt always gave me roses while we were dating, and this variety is perfect for a fall wedding.
We went to a party last night, a surprise 30th birthday party, for our friend Wendi. It was a lot of fun, people I haven't seen in awhile, great food, drinks. I don't know Wendi's friends super well (I know her because her husband Mike is Matt's best friend), but somehow word had spread about our engagement. But I certainly wasn't alone! Two other girls at the party just got engaged too!! One of them, Katie, also got engaged 2 weeks ago. Is there something in the air??
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Engaged!
So many people have asked for more details that I thought I’d write up something for the blog …
Saturday, October 7, 2006 will always be one of the best days of my life.
Matt and I went up north for the weekend, as we typically do in the fall to enjoy the colors (and for me, to de-stress from classes). We stayed at my parents’ Friday night and woke up early Saturday morning to try to beat the crowds at Gooseberry Falls (the park had seen 6700 people the week before!) to take advantage of the morning light (usually works better for Matt’s photos).
The park’s magic started to work on me right away, relaxing me and removing me from the fog of the week’s stress. The water was so low we could hike right out into the middle of the river! There’s an island of rock in the middle of the river, and we walked on the other side of that island, exploring as we went, hopping over rivulets of water and climbing up and down rocks. Matt started taking photos, of course. After about 10 minutes I went a little ways away and sat to watch the water.
Soon I had this feeling that I should look for Matt. I looked over my shoulder and saw him walking towards me (but still about 20-30 yards away), and he waved his finger for me to follow him back to our spot near the rocks. I followed, and he told me to stand by the rocks so he could take my picture … not unusual – Matt’s always trying different shots and I am used to being an experimental subject.
Photo, photo, photo. He kept adjusting things on his camera, sometimes he jumped into the photo with me so we had photos of the two of us, and I was thinking, “this is so great that we’re getting photos with both of us – I feel like the center of attention!” While I started to get a little antsy with how long it was taking, I was also very aware of the beauty of the day…the fresh air smelling of pine needles and water, the perfect temperatures, the cedar needles I kept playing with, the sound of water. Because I was filling in time, and because I was relaxed, I was being very goofy, almost childish, teasing Matt, making jokes, etc.
After one of the photos of the two of us, I thought, “we could use a photo for our engagement photo.” And as my mind went there, I thought, “wow, this would be a great spot for a proposal.” But then instantly, “Jenn, you’re reading too much into the moment. Just enjoy the day!” So I let it go out of my mind – but still was so happy I just had to tell Matt, “this is the most perfect fall day ever.”
The photo shoot continued, and there were delays. Matt wanted to wait for light to move off my face. He contemplated using black and white film. He was looking for a filter. What I didn’t know is that on the rocks behind me there were people, and all the delays were because he was waiting for the people to move!
Finally he got the camera ready again and he hit the button and came up to join me, saying, “here’s the experimental shot,” and I heard the camera start clicking away. He had set it up to take a picture every second, so that everything was captured on film! And he came up to me and said, “And I’m going to ask you …will you marry me?” And out came a box with a ring!
It was unreal. I went into a dream sort of world – is this real? Is this really my engagement? I’m not dreaming this?!? I said, “oh my god!” and then finally managed to get out, “yes, I’ll marry you!” and kissed Matt. I was in such a state of shock. I seemed to be confused about which hand to give him, even, so he said “left hand” and I gave him my hand to put the ring on. I kissed him again and just didn’t know what else to say – so much for thinking of wonderful romantic things to tell him! I was speechless.
The ring is beautiful. Simple, elegant, with a gorgeous sparkling diamond (white gold, round diamond, for those of you who have been asking!).
We had an amazing rest of the day together. We hiked around Gooseberry, went down to the lake shore, and I kept trying to wipe my (dopey) smile off my face ;). We then went to a great restaurant, the Rustic Inn, and spent the remainder of the afternoon driving along Skyline Parkway in Duluth and through Jay Cooke State Park before returning to my parents.’
It has been great to think about marrying Matt, about spending the rest of our lives together, about planning a wedding, and to tell everyone the good news. We will get married September 21, 2007.
Saturday, October 7, 2006 will always be one of the best days of my life.
Matt and I went up north for the weekend, as we typically do in the fall to enjoy the colors (and for me, to de-stress from classes). We stayed at my parents’ Friday night and woke up early Saturday morning to try to beat the crowds at Gooseberry Falls (the park had seen 6700 people the week before!) to take advantage of the morning light (usually works better for Matt’s photos).
The park’s magic started to work on me right away, relaxing me and removing me from the fog of the week’s stress. The water was so low we could hike right out into the middle of the river! There’s an island of rock in the middle of the river, and we walked on the other side of that island, exploring as we went, hopping over rivulets of water and climbing up and down rocks. Matt started taking photos, of course. After about 10 minutes I went a little ways away and sat to watch the water.
Soon I had this feeling that I should look for Matt. I looked over my shoulder and saw him walking towards me (but still about 20-30 yards away), and he waved his finger for me to follow him back to our spot near the rocks. I followed, and he told me to stand by the rocks so he could take my picture … not unusual – Matt’s always trying different shots and I am used to being an experimental subject.
Photo, photo, photo. He kept adjusting things on his camera, sometimes he jumped into the photo with me so we had photos of the two of us, and I was thinking, “this is so great that we’re getting photos with both of us – I feel like the center of attention!” While I started to get a little antsy with how long it was taking, I was also very aware of the beauty of the day…the fresh air smelling of pine needles and water, the perfect temperatures, the cedar needles I kept playing with, the sound of water. Because I was filling in time, and because I was relaxed, I was being very goofy, almost childish, teasing Matt, making jokes, etc.
After one of the photos of the two of us, I thought, “we could use a photo for our engagement photo.” And as my mind went there, I thought, “wow, this would be a great spot for a proposal.” But then instantly, “Jenn, you’re reading too much into the moment. Just enjoy the day!” So I let it go out of my mind – but still was so happy I just had to tell Matt, “this is the most perfect fall day ever.”
The photo shoot continued, and there were delays. Matt wanted to wait for light to move off my face. He contemplated using black and white film. He was looking for a filter. What I didn’t know is that on the rocks behind me there were people, and all the delays were because he was waiting for the people to move!
Finally he got the camera ready again and he hit the button and came up to join me, saying, “here’s the experimental shot,” and I heard the camera start clicking away. He had set it up to take a picture every second, so that everything was captured on film! And he came up to me and said, “And I’m going to ask you …will you marry me?” And out came a box with a ring!
It was unreal. I went into a dream sort of world – is this real? Is this really my engagement? I’m not dreaming this?!? I said, “oh my god!” and then finally managed to get out, “yes, I’ll marry you!” and kissed Matt. I was in such a state of shock. I seemed to be confused about which hand to give him, even, so he said “left hand” and I gave him my hand to put the ring on. I kissed him again and just didn’t know what else to say – so much for thinking of wonderful romantic things to tell him! I was speechless.
The ring is beautiful. Simple, elegant, with a gorgeous sparkling diamond (white gold, round diamond, for those of you who have been asking!).
We had an amazing rest of the day together. We hiked around Gooseberry, went down to the lake shore, and I kept trying to wipe my (dopey) smile off my face ;). We then went to a great restaurant, the Rustic Inn, and spent the remainder of the afternoon driving along Skyline Parkway in Duluth and through Jay Cooke State Park before returning to my parents.’
It has been great to think about marrying Matt, about spending the rest of our lives together, about planning a wedding, and to tell everyone the good news. We will get married September 21, 2007.
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